Remembering...

Today is a strange day for me...July 23rd... my mother's birthday. She would have been 75 today and I'm a bit overwhelmed how much it's affected me. I mean, I live everyday knowing she's gone. There are more than a few times something happens and I reach for the phone, only to remember that she's not at the other end anymore. That my questions remain unanswered from the previous 'wise' woman of the family. And if you know anything about me, I'm so not the wise woman of the family now. I'm more like a ram... headstrong and stubborn, using sheer will and determination to make things happen.

She had a plan. She learned from her mistakes and made adjustments. I just keep hoping the rules will change, or that, this time, I'll be able to bend them more.

My mother was a strong woman. She'd suffered for many years with chronic illness but never let it defeat her. Even in the end, she held on longer than I thought possible. I pray I maintain half her strength as I face the world, not alone, but not whole. At least not yet.

Funny, how there are so many firsts in life. First laugh, first smile, first kiss, first love. Yet, in the long line of firsts, there are those that happen we wish we didn't have to experience. First loss, first birthday without a card, first anniversary you don't celebrate...first birthday that's no longer important.

But, on a more pleasant note, I decided that since I couldn't give flowers to my mother, I'd give some to my daughter. Share the happy thoughts instead of the sad. Look to her for glimpses of the part of my mom that still lives in her...and remember...

Happy Birthday Mom.

love your daughter